By ZACK GAZZANIGA

The average Deerfield boy takes 476 showers each school year, most of which are in the same shower in the same dorm. So, where is the best place for a boy to shower on campus?

On a cold November day with a determined face, I took 58 showers. After endorsing a frozen chest and numerous confused looks from little freshmen, I finally answered that question.

My shower escapade started in Barton and ended in Louis Marx. I rated each shower on five different 1ev-els: Cleanliness, Water Pressure, Water Feel, Lighting and Acoustics. All of these categories are self-explanatory except for Water Feel, which is a rating based on how the water feels. For example, some showers have skinny prickly shots of water while others have thick wholesome flows. I determined the best shower in each dorm and also rated them according to some other categories seen below. So, with out further ado I give you the results:

Barton: The showers in Barton are some of the weirdest I have seen in this school. They don't have shower curtains and they are long and rectangular. It is like taking a shower in a hail. I would suggest that students in Barton to put a chaise lounge in their showers and see how it feels. Overall, Barton showers lack water pressure but they have excellent acoustics. So, if anything, one can sing in Barton showers. Best shower in Barton: Barton II, the shower on the left.

Field: When I walked into the first bathroom of Field and turned on the shower light, I was immediately annoyed. It was one of those lights with a loud, noisy, superfluous fan. Once I overcame my perturbation, I took six showers in Field. The dorm has good showers on the whole, but the water pressure is either really strong or completely wimpy. Field II and III have lower ceilings and better acoustics than Field I. You can sing a mean "Jeremiah was a Bullfrog" in both. However the winning shower in Field is excellent and it is also better than the winning shower in Barton.

Best shower in Field: Field II, on the right.

Denunzio: Denunzio brought nothing but frustration. The showers in the dorm are terrible but they have potential. On a whole they are clean, except for a few showers upstairs that have barnacles on the handles. The shower heads are too low so I had to strain my back every time I bent over to wet my hair. Compared to the other dorms, Denunzio is near the bottom of the list. When it came down to picking the best shower in Denunzio it was almost a matter of flipping a coin. Out of sheer default I found a winner. Best shower in Denunzio: Left hall on Denunzio I, second shower on left.

Johnson: When I made my way to JD, I was expecting to take 12 showers in total. When I arrived I quickly discovered that there were 22 showers to be taken. I got a little cranky, but nonetheless I continued with determination.

The first shower I took in Johnson quickly put me in a good mood. I couldn't believe how comforting it was. The bathrooms are immaculate. The white tiles are so clean that I could see my reflection. The first bathroom I went into was nice. In fact, it was a little too nice. It was so darn nice I got suspicious. I suspected it was one exceptional bathroom and all the rest would be grungy.

However, to my great surprise, I found nothing but good showers and my fat face staring up at me from the clean tile floors. I knew I was dreaming or at least that the next bathroom door I opened would be a door to John Malcovich's brain, or some other rational explanation. But no, it is just the simple truth that Johnson has excellent clean showers everywhere. Nice job, physical plant. Best shower in Johnson: Johnson I, Bathroom on Mr Emerson 's side, left shower.

Doubleday: Doubleday was a sad sight. The showers are unbelievably dirty, have low water pressure, depressing lighting andan overall negative feel. The acoustics are acceptable but the only songs that came to mind in those bathrooms were depressing Radiohead or Nirvana songs.

When I first started this shower journey I was using a number between one and five to rate cleanliness. One was the worst and five the best. However, that number system went to hell when I awarded some Doubleday showers a negative one or two. Unlike Denunzio, Doubleday has no potential. Deerfield needs to get rid of those showers like a student on a stolen bicycle. So, in conclusion, I hate Doubleday showers. "Best" shower in Doubleday: Doubleday II, bathroom opposite the faculty side of the hall, left shower

John Williams: When I walked through "Jay Dubbs," I felt like I was going to break the floor and fall through. I tried to shower quickly so I wouldn't be responsible for the destruction of a house that made it through an Indian raid. Plus, I didn't want to call security to pull me out of some floorboard stark naked.

The showers in John Williams have tall shower heads, which is a plus. They also have fine water pressure. The acoustics were not good. However, the private proctor shower that seniors Sam Bush and Peter Neville share is great. It was exciting to wash in a private shower. I felt like my own man, not just that weird guy randomly taking a shower in my dorm. Best shower in John Williams: John Williams II, proctor shower

Scaife: Scaife is one heck of a place to take a shower, let me tell you that. The lighting is nice and warm, the showers are clean and the water pressure and water feel are exceptional. I was taking my shower and I thought, "Hey, I'm happy." That's how Scaife is; the showers make you happy, so happy that I was singing show tunes like I was in Carnegie Hall. Everyone should shower in Scaife. Best shower in Scaife: Scaife I, shower on right.

Louis Marx: Louis Marx has clean bathrooms and one can get a good shower there. But that's it. The showers in Louis Marx are just plain. I felt the same going in to take the showers as I did going out. The showers don't effect my karma or chi or any of that jazz. Louis Marx showers are acceptable but unimportant.

Best shower in Louis Marx: Louis Marx II East, right shower

After those 58 showers I had two things: a pruned body and the final results. The top three boys' showers in the school are (in no particular order) the best shower in each dorm from Scaife, Field and Johnson. For dorms on the whole, Scaife wins. Scaife has the nicest showers consistently.

Women of Deerfield, with a little help from the deans and a revealing shower outfit, I vow to rate your showers soon!